Three Core Components of Self-Compassion

While most of us recognize that compassion toward others is important, too few of us recognize the fundamental role that compassion for ourselves plays in happiness, health, and relationships. This may have something to do with the fact that we live in a society that encourages us to beat ourselves up in order to get ahead. However, self-criticism is not effective long-term, and relying on external sources of validation only leads us to feel more anxious, insecure, and disconnected from ourselves and others. Over a thousand research studies have demonstrated that people who are more self-compassionate experience less depression, anxiety, stress, and shame and more happiness, life satisfaction, self-confidence, and physical health.

What, Exactly, is Self-Compassion?

According to pioneering researchers in the field of self-compassion, Kristen Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD, self-compassion is made up of three core elements: mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness.

Mindfulness

To be mindful means to intentionally pay attention to the present moment experience without judgment. When we are being mindful we allow thoughts, emotions, and sensations to come and go without resistance or fixation. It is a skill that can be honed and practiced.

Mindfulness is the foundational component of self-compassion because it allows us to acknowledge our suffering and face the pain long enough to meet it with kindness. For most people, the natural tendency is to avoid and try to escape from pain and suffering. However, this doesn’t actually work when the pain is on the inside, it only leads to the difficult emotions building up and coming out in destructive ways that we don’t have much awareness or control over. In order to become less reactive and more responsive we need to learn to stay open to distress so that we can regulate it. We need to be present to respond in a new way.

Common Humanity

When going through something difficult it is common to feel isolated and alone in the experience because of the mistaken belief that everyone else is somehow doing better and has things more figured out. This mistaken belief often leads to self-pity. The main difference between self-compassion and self-pity comes down to common humanity, a recognition that all human beings are imperfect, make mistakes, fail, and experience hardship. While the individual circumstances and degree of pain differ, the basic experience of human suffering is universal.

Suffering it is not a sign that there is something wrong with you but that you are simply human. When we can remember that others are suffering in the same way that we are, we can tap into a feeling of interconnectedness. This sense of shared connection with others encourages us to meet ourselves with the same kindness, support, and understanding that we would show another person dealing with the same challenges that we are.

Self-Kindness

Too many of us compound our pain by beating ourselves up when things go wrong. Self-kindness teaches us to meet ourselves with the same kindness, support, and encouragement that we would show to a good friend. Instead of chastising ourselves for our shortcomings we can show ourselves acceptance and warmth. When we are being treated unfairly, self-compassion helps us gather the courage to do whatever we can to protect ourselves from harm. When our suffering is stemming from circumstances beyond our control, self-compassion enables us to soothe and comfort ourselves.

In the words of Kristen Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD: “Another way to describe the three essential elements of self-compassion is loving (self-kindness), connected (common humanity) presence (mindfulness). When we are in the mind state of loving, connected presence, our relationship to ourselves, others, and the world is transformed.”

Ready to Give Self-Compassion a Try?

You can listen to my free self-compassion meditation recordings here.

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